Fishing, Not Catching

It’s nice to take a break sometimes. Some people call it decompression. Some people call it shifting your assemblage point. Call it what you like, it’s can do a world of good to alter the daily routine so that we can see the richness in our daily routine.

Here on unnamed island, where I wrote What Do You Do over one year ago, I am again reinvigorated by the sound of the waves, communing with the red banded sea snakes, hunting for the elusive sea turtle and avoiding the trigger fish. The mornings start early with a couple a SCUBA dives, the afternoons require sweaty patience while alternating between the sand and dips in the hot ocean water. But what I am fishing for is not necessarily found in the sea.

Sometimes I need to just sit back, relax and see what comes. Maybe it is a job opportunity, maybe it is a moment of inspiration, maybe it is a sensing of my own life blended with a sense of my own mortality. I can not predict what lie below the surface. Like a fisherman, out in his boat in the early morning hours, I put my line and wait. Perhaps the fisherman will get a nibble – a snapper, a trout, a boot – perhaps he will row ashore empty handed. Yet, like the fisherman, it is not so much that I catch something, it is the act of going out and trying. And trying, in and of itself, is a strange twist of logic.

I put my line in the water and see if something comes. While bobbing about, I try not to think about what I might catch. I try not to think about the big one I got just the other day. How will I season what I have not yet caught? It is pointless to pre-heat the oven for a meal with no ingredients. Instead, I listen and taste and smell and swallow what it is I have at the moment. And as I tap into that moment, the bob dunks under the water – or it doesn’t. Eventually, I row ashore with a more clear perspective on who I am, who is the fish, what is a boat, a rod, a hook. I row ashore and try not to congratulate myself for thinking I know what trying means. Instead, I just am. And that should be enough for now.

How do you act out a preposition?

For whatever reason, I give free English lessons each weekday. Perhaps it’s some form of karmic cleansing. Perhaps it provides a little bit of that structure I’m always talking about. Whatever the reason, there is something about teaching that gives me a great thrill. The thrill comes from many different directions at once. In one way, it allows me an opportunity to reflect on my own struggles learning to speak the Laos language. It’s an opportunity to pay it forward. And there is the thrill of going to the office supply store to buy materials for visual aids. There is the thrill of maybe getting some return on that time spent pursuing performing arts. In other ways, it gives me a chance to do what I love the most: help other people.

In all my classes, whether they are English or computer science or meditation, I make a concerted effort to make sure it is fun. In fact, I try to make class silly. The class has to be fun for me and it has to be fun for my students. If we are not having fun, we are not learning. Of course, there are always obstacles to bring the fun to class. Sometimes I’m tired or unprepared. Sometimes someone is late. One of the most frustrating obstacles for me is when I will say one word, “some” for example, which will cause a long discussion in the Laos language. I’m learning to let it slide.

The other day, my students showed up early and made lunch for all of us. It’s a nice gesture and I was grateful for it – it is true that feeding someone is one of the nicest things a person can do. However, the gesture created a certain challenge to my agenda. With full bellies, the students were likely to fall asleep. After lunch is the most difficult time to teach.

To counteract the drowsiness of my students, I knew I would have to really knock the lesson out of the park. I would have to draw on all my presentation skills – skills beyond simply switching from one side of the whiteboard to another – in order to keep their attention and make an indelible impression. To add insult to injury, today’s subject was prepositions (you remember them right? In, on, above, through, with, to…).

It’s relatively easy to act out the verbs – walk, shout, am. It’s also not so hard to point to nouns and dress them up with adjectives. Even adverbs are not so hard to impersonate… if I am silly enough to demonstrate carefully, quickly, slowly and so on, there is a chance they might just remember. However, acting out through and at and with is a bit more of a challenge; Toward was nearly impossible.

We made it through prepositions I had planned. Salt played a big role in the lesson. The salt is on the table, above the table, under the table, with the glass, behind the glass. There was a combination of horror and laughter when the salt went in the glass. For me, my mind was somewhere else. The salt water.

I miss the salt water. I miss the ocean. Today, I will head toward the west and make my way to the Gulf of Siam to do some diving. After three months in a landlocked country I need to look upon the ocean. I need to look out over the sea. I need to wade into the ocean. I need to swim in the water. I need to get under the surface and breath from a Nitrox tank. If my entries are a little less frequent over the next two weeks it is not from lack of interest, instead it is simply because I am having a bit more fun.

A Sound

A single sound can make all the difference. It’s hot today, hot like yesterday, hot like tomorrow. It’s humid, I don’t move much. Reaching for a cup of coffee while I wait for the oscillating fan to blow another steamy kiss my way, two young boys pass by the café. Their voices are high and squeaky. The café rents bicycles. All bicycles have bells. They can not resist. They ring the bells three times each and work their way down the row of red and blue bicycles with baskets parked in a row.

“Hey, look everybody,” Martini yells above the din, “I’m giving out wings!” Clarence rises above the taunt with a subtle smile. He’s got George Bailey to deal with; the people of Beaver Falls will have to wait another Christmas for their salvation.

The sound of the squeaky voices, the ringing of the bells, the thought that maybe there is an avalanche of wings being handed out to angels in waiting, the memory of Juju’s petals – these things make me smile. One of the little boys returns, alone, a few minutes later. He’s not squeaking and makes a more solemn stop at two of the bikes, this time ringing only once. Perhaps there were a few disappointed angels that he knew had waited long enough. He rings and moves on. I smile again.

The bell on my motorbike is not a bell. It’s not a horn. It’s a dull and tired electric clang like when I took apart the telephone as a child and pressed my little palm against the bell and waited for a call. I didn’t know about the bell on my motorbike until a few days ago. A dog wandered out into the street in front of me. Asian dogs are more savvy than North American dogs in terms of roadside safety. Some wander out into the road, but they all manage to get home safely each night to sleep on the high cool safety of the concrete table. He wandered out into the street, the light would change soon and I wanted to accelerate – not because I really wanted to get through the light, but because stopping for the light would mean 60 seconds of stationary baking in the sun inside my dark red helmet.

Clang. Clang. Clang. The pathetic sound was barely audible. The dog looked at me and smiled. I smiled back and laughed with my passenger about the sorry excuse for a horn. We made the light, the dog got to the other side, but I don’t think anyone got any wings from the affair.

Looking for...

In one of Tony Hillerman’s novels, Jim Chee says “I’m not looking for anything in particular because then I might not see something I’m not looking for.” There are days when I forget this perspective; today is one of those days. I woke up and sat down with the intention of writing something. That was three hours ago.

When I feel this way, I look for a jolt. I look for something to change my point of perspective. When my mind is already going too fast in too particular of a direction, I need to de-focus and listen to what is there. This isn’t always the easiest of tasks. The largest obstacle is that there seems to be no consistent recipe or method for shaking my self out of it. As a result, I have to try different things to see if they shake things free.

Today, I tried first drinking lots of coffee. That just made me shake. Then, I decided to read some news headlines (typically a good approach for me), but there was no muse in the paper today. Thinking I might be too dormant, I got out the glass cleaner and newspaper (lacking in inspiration otherwise) and washed a few windows. Window washing, like floor scrubbing, ironing, and other domestic chores has a way of getting me out of my head and then back in again. I had a few cleaner windows, but no inspirational thoughts. Hot and humid already at 10 a.m., I sat back down to stare at the screen. I flipped through some NPR podcasts; Lizz Wright singing Reaching for the Moon on KCRW’s Today’s Top Tune was beautiful and melancholic but I have no time today for romance and love songs; NPR Books talked about first time novelists which left me intimidated and ready to head back to IniTech. Antsy, I decided to clip my long-overdue fingernails while finishing up On Words with John Chiardi. It wasn’t Mr. Chiardi’s explanation of the rhombus that got me moving, it was the comfort of once again being able to type with the pads of my fingers and not my nails.

Frequently, I need this type of therapeutic activity. I think we all do. It may not be the same types of things for all people; some people go to the gym, others walk their dog or get drunk or watch the sunset, while still others listen to music or read a book or watch a movie or look at photographs. Regardless of the method(s), the act of changing one’s perspective can greatly enhance our clarity of thought.

Emotion Education

I read a headline the other day where a new government initiative requires students learn how do deal with their emotions. It made me think of my own primary education experience.

In my early years of primary school, there were several initiatives to revamp and update the education system. This somewhat grass-roots movement didn’t target the education system directly, instead it focused on making improved educational materials ubiquitously available. The most prominent of these was the Children’s Television Network who provided Sesame Street and The Electric Company. In addition, there was the Reading Is Fundamental (RIF) program. RIF was literacy improvement campaign across the nation. It was throughout the school system and advertised on television. One of the most noticeable aspects of the RIF program was the Book Mobile.

I loved the Book Mobile. To me, it was a portable euphoria – a mobile oasis of words and thoughts. The day I saw my mom volunteering inside the book mobile, I thought I was having an out-of-body experience. The Book Mobile inspired my love of books the same way Easy Reader (played by Morgan Freeman) on Electric Company inspired my love of reading. The people working to create a better world through education dramatically shaped who I am today.

At the same time as the early days of Children’s Television Network and RIF, there was a television program which aired during school hours called Ripple. Ripple focused on questions of morality and ethics. It was designed to stimulate discussion. Teachers were provided with printed discussion prompters and it was made clear to the students that there was no right answer, only opinions. During the broadcast, there would be an intermission where teachers would ask the suggested questions and students would respond.

“How do you think Billy should handle this situation? How do you think Betty will feel if he doesn’t stop his bullying?” “Why?”

Then the show would continue. At the conclusion of the show, teachers again would follow the itinerary and ask additional questions. “Did Billy do the right thing? Should Betty continue to be Billy’s friend?” “Why?”

For me, and for many of my classmates, Ripple was a effective way of learning to consider our actions; learning to think in terms of ‘how would I feel?’ and ‘what would I do in that situation?’ and “Why?”.

The recent headline made me wonder about many questions. How does the U.K. plan to teach lessons in how to deal with our emotions? How have we learned from earlier experiments and influences in education? What progress has been made in regards to early education on the topics of emotions, ethics and morals? One would hope that the modern pioneers of the late sixties and early seventies had set solid foundations. One would think that a national endeavor to expose students to considering the consequences of their actions would have evolved naturally from those times. In many ways I think these positive progressions have been made. However, I have often wondered if the sticks attached to Kermit the Frog’s arms have been handled by the advertisers, media corporations and the politicians and not by Sir Saint Henson. (What???? Jim Henson isn’t a knight or a saint, yet?!!!”).

I really don’t know the full story on the state of education in America. I know some things – the vocabulary of the average Yank is a fraction of the average Brit’s vocabulary; without a digital cash register, giving correct change is impossible; many high school graduates are illiterate; nearly no one knows the location of Sumatra (not the bag of coffee at Starbucks, the island… or is it a country?); and quite a few people have their britches in a bunch over a moment of silence. In short, I think the education system is both doing great and sadly misaligned. I can’t help but fear much of the work done when I was a child was abandoned.

I know it’s not a simple subject. There are thousands of working pieces in finding a solution and scores of interested parties have to have their say. However, I think the “Just do it” approach is warranted. A delay based on the “better not because you might offend” approach is a waste of time. I can foresee the U.S.A. delaying indefinitely with endless derailed conversations on standardized training for ethical behaviour. I am hopeful for next wave of students. In the absence of something substantial, how will their sanitized education leave them equipped to handle an emotional experience.

Big Mouth

A couple weeks ago I talked about the silent treatment. In a separate posting I talked about the book, The Four Agreements. Today, the combination of the old adage ‘If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything,’ and the first of the four agreements ‘Be impeccable with your words’ come to mind.

I’m a chatty person – to put it mildly. I like to talk. It’s not so much that I like to hear my own voice as it is a matter of wanting to stimulate conversation. I’m not very concerned about the topic conversation, so long as there is conversation. However, I sometimes think I should be a little more attentive to the topic.

Referencing a third posting regarding Old Age, I talked about Israeli backpackers. I knew when I wrote the entry that I would probably offend. When I, myself, first heard about this phenomenon, I was rather skeptical. I thought I was hearing some anti-Semitic slander. However, anyone who has encountered this situation knows that it is a very real deal. I wasn’t meaning to offend anyone, I was trying to make a point about an un-harnessed mind. Unfortunately, I lost a few regular readers as a result. It makes me feel bad that this happened, but I wont retract my words; politics are just not for me.

This is nothing new to me. Both in writing and in person, I have offended people. I have often lost their interest and appreciation. Yet, I do not seem to be willing or able to curtail my uber-candid speak. It is the razors edge all over again. If I were to hold back on my opinions, as uncomfortable as they may be, I would feel I was not being true to my nature. It is, in part, my candor, which assists me in gaining the trust of others; people who work with me know that I will cut through the bullshit very quickly to arrive at a sound conclusion.

Over the years, I’ve been burned many times by this part of my personality. I have also gotten a lot of miles out of it. I’ve tempered my tone and words (a great amount of thanks to my infusion in Canadian society) yet I still do not hold back.

Is it necessary to sugar coat my words in order to be impeccable? Or can I be the straight shooter that I am as long as I make it clear that I am striving for the ideal and not for comfort?

Hitch’, Gates, Slim, Kumari

I never really knew much of Christopher Hitchens. I’ve heard his name a couple times but I’ve never considered much of what he has to say one way or the other. His book, God is Not Great, apparently is causing a bit of a stir.

I’ve never really knew much of Kumaris (literally translated from Nepali as ‘virgin’). I might have read about Sajani Shakya, the Kumari Devi of Bhaktapur, but I’ve never considered any form of worship for this current incarnation of Taleju. Apparently, Kumari Devi tainted her goddess blood by visiting the United States of America. She’s been dismissed.

I’ve heard of Gates and Buffet, but I’ve never heard of Carlos Slim, the richest man alive with a net worth of $67.8 billion. I don’t think very often of the net worth of these people – I’ve read books by and about them, mostly because I need to stay current, or at least sound like I have a foggy notion of who’s who. Apparently, someone has noticed that Carlos Slim wore a plastic watch.

People find things offensive. They fired Don Imus for opening his mouth one too many times, but no one surveyed radio listeners to find out how many people simply tuned into another channel, a channel more palatable to their own perspective. Is God great? Or is God not great? Is this a decision you want to leave to Mr. Hitchens? Has Taleju left the body of Sajani Shakya? Should faith in Taleju be suspended until a more submissive and less adventurous vessel is found? Should I pity myself – my poverty – because I can not spend an unjustified $9.7 million on a jet?

We have to make our own choices in this life. We have to accept the choices that others make. If a person wants to be an anti-theist, that is their prerogative. As a committed practitioner of my faith, I must accept other’s choices or I must abandon my own belief that the onus is on each individual to carve out their own position. If someone or something helps out along the way, so much the better.

If organized religion is deemed evil by your neighbor, allow them to avoid it – until they find a different viewpoint, it will indeed remain evil in their mind. If a goddess transgresses from the age-old way, maybe it is time to rethink the age old way and not the goddess. If a man, after 13 years of being the wealthiest becomes the second wealthiest, has anything changed? Has anything changed for you? Is your faith shaken? Stirred?

I once heard a story of the Buddha who taught that if you meet someone and they tell you your religion is inferior, you should agree with them, smile, and continue on your way.

In the Laos language there is an expression, Lao de jao. I hear it quite a bit. It means It’s up to you. It’s up to you, Mr. Hitchens, to decide what you want to do. As for me, I will make my own decisions.

Retrograde

Retrograde is one of those funny words. It has a meaning, but in some contexts the meaning is not exactly accurate. There are several definitions of ‘retrograde’. Essentially it means “moving in a backward direction”

I first started hearing the word ‘retrograde’ in the mid-1970’s. In Boston, Massachusetts, the Cosmic Muffin, a radio personality, did a daily astrology forecast. Often, I would hear him say the words “Mercury retrograde”. I liked the sound of it, but I didn’t really know what it meant until years later. ‘Mercury retrograde’ means the planet appears to move in backward direction.

In reality, it is not that a planet is moving backwards, it is an “illusory planetary motion created by the orbital rotation of the earth, with relation to other planets in our solar system.” (www.astrologycom.com).

Mercury, the planet, is mainly associated with communication and travel. Often, when Mercury is retrograde, things go a little haywire. Packages get lost, contracts go belly-up, misunderstandings abound during this period. Many people get frustrated with their lives during a Mercury retrograde period – it typically lasts about 4 to 6 weeks. While some things go astray during Mercury retrograde, other things go quite well. One of the beneficial aspects is reconnecting with old friends. Mercury retrograde is an excellent time to reconnect with old friends.

And now, today’s story begins…

Leaving New York City was very difficult for me. It was home. My friends were there. My career was there. My life was there. However, I felt inside me an emptiness that I felt could not be filled in the confines of Brooklyn. So, I decided to make my way around the world to see if there was a spot that suited me. So far, I am halfway around. This week is the four year anniversary of the beginning of my journey. I guess don’t like to move very fast.

One of the reasons I’m taking my time doing this is that I’m not a stamp collector – passport stamps that is. Instead, I like to sit in the same café for a month and see the daily routine around me. I like to settle into a place and learn about the people and the cool places and the people who pass through. Along the way, I meet people and they become friends. It’s rather unconventional, but my friends are scattered around the globe. I hope, when we’re all very old, it will be as easy as catching a subway to go from Hong Kong to Vancouver. Or maybe it will be from Venus to Mercury that we travel at light speed.

The other day, I received an email from a musician friend of mine. He and I met in 2001 via a random phone call. He had actually called to speak to the person I was subletting an apartment. Ever since that one phone call, he and I have been very close friends. It turns out we are distant cousins. I was very happy to receive his email. He is continuing his pursuit of music (he’s a dyed-in-the-wool rocker) and his band, Needless Junkie, is doing well. The most excellent bit of news I heard (and here’s where I’m going to make a point, so pay attention), the bass player in the Band, Matt Holt, is still winning his 10 year fight against leukemia.

Matt is one of the many inspirations in my life. When I first met Matt, it took me a while to be able to comprehend how a person fighting such a deadly affliction could be so positive and even keeled. As I got to know him, I learned a big lesson about following your heart. Matt, also a died-in-the-wool musician, loves to play guitar. He’s quite amazing on the lead guitar, although he plays bass in the band. I don’t think Matt has filled his head with misguided aspirations. He stuck to what he loved; music. I think, in some ways, this has helped him with his struggle.

I like to think, that I, too, am sticking to what I love; writing. Possibly it is partially by the inspiration of Matt Holt, that I have the courage to take these risks and live comfortably with the outcome.

How about you? Are you comfortable with how you spent your day? Do you remember to keep in touch with your friends? The past is gone, yet we can continue build on those foundations to live a rich and wonderful life.

Perspective

Does this board make my tail look big? 

My plans for today had to change.  Originally, I planned to head out of the city to visit my friend’s relatives.  My friend had prepped for the visit.  They are extremely poor – no light, no food, only a shack, sheltering the parents and some children.  I’ve seen this type of thing before, but, for some reason, I had a certain apprehension.  I am very close to my friend.  It breaks my heart to see her relatives hungry.  I search for ways to help without insulting dignity.

About a year ago, I met my friend’s sister; the wife of a farmer.  She too is very poor.  In her home she has a mat, a charcoal grill, a small jar of salt and a nearly empty bag of rice.  She also has two pots for cooking.  In the corner, there is an old fashioned rifle where the gunpowder is poured down the barrel, tamped and a plug is dropped in afterwards.  That’s pretty much all I saw.

We visited for about an hour or so.  She was cooking dinner for her family.  Dinner was a handful of rice and two tiny pieces of chicken.  A generous host, she offered me a piece of the chicken and some sticky rice.  I could not accept it – my belly was full from a marvelous meal earlier that day.  She was one of the many kind and sincere people I have met in Laos and her abject poverty was shadowed by her happiness and her show of love for her child and sister and her openness to meet her sister’s friend. 

I remember feeling quite poor that day.  Not because I have no money or because I am hungry, but because I have had too much.  In comparison, I have lived a life of opulence.  In my family also, there is a wealth of love and kindness.  In my family there are unbreakable bonds that will last through eternity.  We use the phrase “I’m starving” only as a euphemism – we have been very fortunate to not know true hunger.  In the back of my mind, as I sat there that day, I felt an incomprehensible feeling that somehow because of my fortunate circumstances, I understood nothing of life.  It’s hard to put into words exactly where that thought comes from yet it is an intangible feeling I will never forget.

Yesterday, in the news, President George W. Bush commuted the sentence of Scooter Libby for his obstruction of justice on matters of national security of the USA.  I think about the amount of money spent as a result of this one decision.  There were millions of dollars spent on media, broadcasting, and advertising.  There were immeasurable megawatts of energy spent on reactions to this decision – op-ed articles, analyst responses, heated discussions in pubs and think tanks.  It seems that poor Mr. Libby will still be out of about a quarter of a million dollars in penalties and suffers irrevocable damage to his career.

The people who I did not meet today, they don’t know who Scooter Libby is.  They don’t know who Valerie Plame is.  They have never heard of Joseph Wilson.  They don’t have a television with cable and CNN and BBC.  They have empty bags of rice and hungry children and they burn non-existent candles down to the very last thread of a wick.  The millions of dollars which were spent around one decision in the first world yesterday did not consider whether these people will eat tomorrow.  The turmoil and suffering and career devastation of this one person seems so out of context with what most of the world thinks about everyday; where will I find my next meal.  It’s times like this, I wonder why I bother to turn on the television at all.

I hope tomorrow to head out of the city to meet these relatives.  I am not sure what I should bring.  I’ve considered bringing a copy of the Bangkok Post or a video clip of Mr. Libby’s perjurous testimony.  Instead, I think I will bring some rice and some left over duck from tonight’s dinner.  As I sit in their home, I will try not to think about how badly Mr. Libby is suffering.  I will try not to think about how difficult it is to be a war time president or a whistle-blowing ambassador.  I will try not to think about a lot of things that seem so out of perspective when we are stripped of our comfortable and contorted first world values.

Cow Tits

Let’s get away from the whole Buddhism thing for a while. It’s become too heavy, too intellectual. I month or so ago, in an entry titled Equanimity, I spoke about a professor in university who spoke of being in the moment. One of the criticisms she had for me was that I would over intellectualize things. So, taking her advice, I need to take a breather from all this deep thinking and just lets some words flow.

Yesterday, I was invited out for dinner. Due to some language restrictions, the invitation was to eat barbequed cow tits. Over dinner, I tried my best to explain the words boob, tits, teats, and udders. I have never had udder before and whilst suspending the visual image of the invite, I found it to be quite delicious. Also the heart was good. The barbequed tripe was a bit too chewy for me. Tourists are not exposed to real Laos cuisine which is a shame because it is much better than most of the cuisine they see.

While eating dinner, an army of ants came to greet me and sample some of my sauces and meats. I wondered why my dinner companion did not attract the multitude of ants that I did. Can ants tell who is a falang and who is Laotian? I wonder. They certainly do have quite a sense of humor those ants of Laos. In addition to the six or seven thousand ants crawling around my table space, a nursing dog (most female dogs in Laos are perpetually nursing), came and rested her nose on my lap – big puppy dog eyes seemed to say ‘I’m starving and I have a family to feed’. Everyone had a good time, but I think the dog was a little disappointed that I was not much of a pushover.

Sometime during the course of the dinner, my thoughts turned to my brother. I think about the prospect of my family members visiting me here. Of all my relatives, I think my brother and my father would be the most suited to experiencing the real Laos. I think my mother would not last more than an hour or two. There is a level of acceptance required to be here, yet once that leap is made, it seems somehow more real than the aisles of Wal-Mart and the form mold chairs of Burger King.

Beyond the ubiquity of ants are the giant spiders in my home, the silly geckos who play hide-and-seek in the curtains, the insane driving patterns of the locals, the open air everything – markets, restaurants, beer gardens, barbers, and so forth. There is the oppressive heat and humidity and the guarantee that no shirt will stay dry either by perspiration or torrential rain. Each thing on it’s own is not so bad. Compiled into the overall experience, it can be overwhelming. As I keep telling people, it is not for everyone. For some of us, it is a slice of euphoria – euphoria for me, the ants, the nursing dogs, the spiders, the geckos. Maybe the cows are not so ecstatic or maybe I’m wrong… maybe they are proud that their sacrifice brings such gastronomic delight. Thank you, cows. You’re delicious. If the shoe was on the other hoof, I would happily give you my heart.