Patience

My last entry was a bit of difficult for me to write – Did you notice the paradox? As I explained my issue with my student’s lax attitude, I exposed my own failings in patience. Patience is the 6^th of the Buddhist Perfections. I try to exercise patience and generally am quite good at it. The cultural differences in Laos between the over-ambitious American and the tranquil Laotian, at times, leave me a bit frustrated. I loose my patience. The sweet salve of Khanti parami evades me. Yet I am encouraged to try again.

It takes practice to learn patience. It is easy to loose patience. It takes a tremendous amount of energy when patience is lost. Have you ever had an argument over something unimportant? At some point in that argument, did you loose patience? Do you remember how tired you were after that argument?

When patience is lost, the unbridled mind runs amuck. Our clarity is gone, our judgment dubious. Biological mechanisms kick in, adrenaline rushes throughout, the pulse quickens. Unharnessed, the state of lost patience invites anger and hatred and the most pointless of all agendas: revenge.

“I want this person to learn a lesson,” I thought one snowy day in New York. The sidewalk was lined with mounds of snow, slush beneath our feet. At the crosswalks, - zebra stripes – the path narrows and we have to line up single file to get around the snow bank. An impatient man has lost control and in his frenzy, he kicks hard at the snow. It is only snow; it means no malice towards this man. What the #$*! Do We Know might indicate the snow has feelings. If it does or if it doesn’t, the man is out of line and I think to myself, “I want this person to learn a lesson.”

A few moments later, we have crossed the street. As the man tries to hurry around the other commuters, he slips and falls, BOOM! right on his back. I think of a neighbor years ago in Boston who had slipped on the ice and broke his ribs. He lies there on the sidewalk for hours before they brought him to the hospital. He was in an extraordinary amount of pain. Back in New York that day when that man slipped and I heard him thud onto the slushy sidewalk, I no longer wanted him to learn a lesson. Instead, we both learned lessons.

It must have taken a lot of energy to be upset with the snow – to loose patience. It took a lot of energy to be upset with the man – to loose patience. Both the man and I felt terrible when he slipped and fell. Maybe my thoughts in someway manifested his fall. Maybe I would have not spent the remainder of that day feeling bad for the man, wondering if the was stilly lying there in the slush, hoping he was ok. Maybe I would have had a better day if I had been patient with the man who lost his patience.

Effort, Energy & Diligence

My student is coming along fine. We’re trading English lessons for Lao lessons. We had words the other day about her lackadaisical attitude. “Having words” in the Lao culture entails a slightly raised voice and a stern glare – there is no flailing of arms, no shouting. As much as I try to restrain the cut-throat methods I learned building skyscrapers for Local 59 and again in the brokerage houses of Wall Street, it is a learning experience with which I struggle.

Although my method was a bit more harsh than my student is accustomed, I reminded her of our agreement; I will teach her as long as she is diligent with her studies. She had failed to do any lessons in her workbook and was taking a nonchalant position towards our podcast projects. She was enjoying the business lunches, but not consuming the work with the same gusto. Her effort was dismally lacking.

The 5^th of the 10 Buddhist Perfections is effort, aka diligence, aka energy, aka vigor. Without pulling out the Buddhism card, I was able to impress upon my student the importance of effort. It did not take much convincing. Viriya parami is an innate quality in human beings. However, we also have a tendency to do just the opposite… to be lazy.

In Christianity, one of the ten 10 mortal sins is sloth (specifically it is spiritual slot but I’m taking a slight liberty). My knowledge of Islam, Shinto, Baha’i and the many other world religions is not deep enough to say for sure, but I’m guessing they too have something to say about effort and sloth. Effort on one side, sloth on the other, this is a coin we all toss everyday. We struggle with it sometimes, but mostly, I see an underestimation of how important this choice is.

If we show exertion, energy, nisus – all part of the effort clan – we are saying to the world and to ourselves, “I am worth it. I have value. I am a life worth living.” This is the shine that gets jobs and promotions and happy marriages and a little slack on a bad day.

If we show apathy, neglect, lack of ambition – the kissin’ cousins of sloth – we are saying “Do not care for me, my thoughts or my actions for, certainly, if I do not care for myself, I am of no benefit to you.” These are the faces that get downsized first; they beg for money and offer nothing in return; they sit all day on the couch wondering why they are sad, out of shape and unemployed.

Every single one of us has the tools to turn this coin heads up. It is one of the easiest choices to make. Is could possibly be one of the easiest parami to practice. Practice of effort can have astounding results. My student is now doing fantastic and I am thrilled with her progress. All it took was a little bit of effort.

Insight

There is a question I have asked over 100 people. It is actually five questions. I used to ask this question when I was doing dog-and-pony shows for a Business Intelligence software vendor. The questions are:

· What is your definition of data?

· What is your definition of information?

· What is your definition of knowledge?

· What is your definition of intelligence?

· What is your definition of wisdom?

I’ve heard a variety of answers to the questions above. The worst response was ‘Awww, they’re all the same.’ They are not the same, trust me. There is a wide chasm between information and wisdom. Too frequently, people parade their data down the street expecting others to accept it as intelligence, or even worse, wisdom.

The fourth of the Buddhist Perfections is much attuned to this series of definitions – it is “insight”. Insight is not as hard as it sounds. There are a few tactics which can help. First we must acknowledge that our ears outnumber our mouth, so we should adjust the amount we listen and the amount we speak proportionately. The second is detachment – I’ll talk about detachment some other day, but for now, simply put, it is the practice of removing our own emotional agenda from a situation. The third tactic is accepting that you are doing the best you can, even if you are wrong.

Accepting imperfection in ourselves, detaching ourselves from desire and listening acutely opens us to insight. With experience, our insight becomes clearer. As in all things, there is no substitute for daily preparation. Prepare yourself and open yourself to wisdom and you, too, can practice Panna parami, insight.

Renunciation

The third of the 10 Buddhist Perfections is “renunciation” (Nekkhamma parami). Renunciation is not always so easy for people. More so, it is often misunderstood. When we see a monk one of the first thoughts is often the idea that they have renounced all possessions. Their robes, their begging bowl, their beads are tools of devotion and symbols of their faith. Their possessions have been relinquished so that they may be free of desire.

That is only the superficial aspect of renunciation. It is the kindling that starts the fire of pure renunciation – the renunciation of thought in mediation, the giving up of desire in all its forms.

I have possessions. To some people, I have quite a few. To others, not so many. I have a laptop and I have a storage unit full of things and I have some clothes that I probably don’t need. I have a bank account and credit cards and I have a shopping list of things I would like to own someday. Have I abandoned the pursuit of enlightenment in exchange for materialism? It would be pretty easy for a purist to argue that I have done just this. However, life is a little black and a little white and many shades of gray.

My laptop is a tool which I use to write, to share thoughts with others, to send emails of encouragement. My storage unit holds mostly books; I use them to enrich my experiences. My bank account, although it does more shrinking than growing, allows me to be self-sufficient so that I am not a burden on society. I am not a captive of my own possessions, instead the physical possessions I choose to have liberate me in some way. And I know, because I have done it before, I could give up nearly everything other than shoes, shirt and pants and be just as tied and untied as I am today.

The biggest possession – the most significant shackle around my ankles – is my thoughts. They, at times, control me instead of the other way around. Years ago, I was a very angry young man – for no other reason than I did not know better. I held on to these thoughts and emotions as if they were the foundation of everything that I am. I gave up much of that, and I am happier for it. But my thoughts still comprise the heaviest of my possessions. In time, I hope, I can renounce all of them and only perceive with absolute clarity. (I have a long way to go!)

Renounce your thoughts and you will be free to perceive this world without any mental modification. This was the definition my teacher gave for Enlightenment. I have not been to nirvana, but if I do go, I think I will bring along a laptop.

Virtue

The second of the 10 Buddhist Perfections is virtue, in Pali language it is known as "sila parami". The word virtue always had a rather uptight connotation to me and I prefer the term “proper conduct”. I like to use this term because it goes beyond the stiffness of virtue and avoids the politically charged arena of ‘morality’. Proper conduct seems to fit better, as if it were a friend walking beside me or a useful bottle of mosquito repellant in my pocket. No one really has to know what I have in my pocket. It’s my quiet tranquilizer, that thin sheet of sila I carry in my pocket.

There are times, especially here in Laos, when it would be very easy to abandon my principles for a little immediate gratification. There are plenty of people who earn their living in less than virtuous way. Beyond the big “P” and the big “D” (whatever they may stand for), there are, again, more subtle ways that proper conduct is demonstrated. Walking down the street on a hot afternoon, an old woman is walking towards me on the same sidewalk. It is the only shady part of the street. I step out into the street so that she can continue walking in the shade. It’s a simple act of kindness, respect for elders and gentlemanly behaviour. It’s very easy to do. It’s called proper conduct. I find it quite enjoyable. People around me seem to agree.

So you sow...

Het dii, dai dii. Het sua, dai sua. – If you do good, good will come to you. If you do bad, bad will come to you.

The first of the 10 Buddhist Perfections or Paramis is generosity. Giving of oneself is manifested in many ways. Sometimes it is very obvious, giving alms to a monk, giving a donation to charity, spending time at a school for underprivileged children. Other times, generosity is more subtle; giving space to others in line, smiling at a stranger, giving someone the benefit of the doubt. These more subtle forms of Dãna parami (generosity) meld with the other 9 Perfections. To whichever category you like to assign your intent means very little, so long as you practice selflessness with each moment.

When a person is generous, many other people will find fault. They will say ‘Don’t give them money; it only encourages them to beg’. They will say, ‘why are you so nice to her when you know she is just using you’. They will find fault in just about every kind act you do. But they will not tell you to do the opposite. They will not say ‘you should spit on a beggar and be mean to them’. They will not tell you this because they know it is wrong. People know, deep inside, that generosity is a virtue. They also know how easy it is to get away with being selfish (or so they think). They do it often. And they wonder why they are so unhappy, so poor, so sick, so lonely.

One day, maybe, I will be a rabbit ready to roast myself. In the meantime… Het dii dai dii. Het sua dai sua.

Hunting Big Game

There is small game and there is large game. There is a different approach to hunting one versus the other. If you are hunting small game, go out into the forest and rush the bushes, flushing out the small game. If you are hunting big game, go out into the forest and wait for it to come to you.

I am hunting big game.

Kwáam sa ngup. Peace.

The Handkerchief

Some times I get a little too verbose. Yesterday’s post is a good example. It wasn’t until late yesterday that I remembered what made me write all that soul-touching stuff. It was a handkerchief. A handkerchief I never got around to mentioning in the post.

This particular handkerchief once belonged to my ex-wife’s grandfather. I had never met the man (he had passed away a couple years before I met his granddaughter) but I know he was a good man. I know this because of the things people say about him and by the way his descendents and friends carry themselves. Jim was a proper southern gentleman whose memory is still mentioned with respect. Occasionally, I think of him when I pull out that handkerchief.

Washing it out in the sink the other day, I though “Why do I keep this thing?” It’s ripped – I don’t like using ripped things because I think it is a sign of disrespect towards oneself – and truly the handkerchief should be retired. But I don’t toss it out. I continue to use it because it caught a lot of snot from a good man and maybe some of his good nature is infused in its fibres. Even it the item is void of any residual energy, it helps to remind me to be a good man… albeit a little worn out in places, but still good to wipe a tear or two.

By the way, I carry a handkerchief because it’s a gentlemanly thing to do. Also, I carry it to wipe my brow – my head gets so hot sometimes my hair long ago decided it wasn’t needed and left for cooler climes (such as the shower drain). I do not use a handkerchief to blow my nose; I use a tissue for that. So, if I offer you my handkerchief, you can be assured it is clean and snot-free.

Touching Souls

When I was young – younger – I worked on a production for Arthur Giron’s play titled Becoming Memories. It’s a story of lessons learned and how they are passed from generation to generation. At that age, my mind was expanding at an incredible rate and I often thought of the meaning of life, death and all that stuff in-between. During one particular rehersal, seeped in the ambiance of the production, I had constructed a mantra which has stayed with me ever since. The saying I have repeated in my head thousands of times over the years is, “My soul will live until the end of the souls which I have touched.”

I like this little prayer of mine. I like to take the “souls which I have touched” part and consider how that may pan out. Each person I encounter – each soul – is touched by me. I, who am very imperfect, touch dozens of people each day. How long the reactions to my decisions last coincides with the intent I put behind the task. The amount of energy I put into loving, hating, envying, paying, ignoring, idolizing, humiliating, emulating, teaching, helping, kissing, fucking, screwing, loving – oooh, I already mentioned loving, didn’t I? – caring for someone, is going to dictate how long those impressions will last. To the end of their soul, I suppose..

How long does you soul last? Double back, and you see the mantra reads ‘until the end of the souls which you have touched.” So this means, if I touch a soul, that will influence how they deal with other souls, who will in turn touch other souls. Taking a wild guess, and I’m probably wrong, the average person interacts at some level with a dozen or two people each day. That’s a lot of soul-touching and those impressions are going to last for a very long time.

I think it’s a great amount of responsibilty we have to realize we have an impact on this world – this world of souls – that will last for eternity. When I consider some of the bad behaviour I’ve seen in this world, I think many of us forego this responsibility we have. We may be able to recite a golden rule, but do we live it? In some cases, yes. In other cases no.

There are people all around the globe who recognize this reponsibilty. They are people who practice kindness. They are people who practice honesty and sincerity and equality. They are people from all walks of life – soldiers, monks, merchants, carpenters, musicians, students. And, yes, they are as imperfect as all of us. In fact they are exactly the same. They are people who have accepted the idea that they have a very long-lasting influence on their neighbor, world, universe.

I do not think there is a limit to how many people can play in this game. In fact, I think there is room for every single person. Not only that, I think it would be ok to include dogs, and cats, and rats and pigs and bunny rabitts and… and donkeys, even if they do have to show up in court to defend a braying issue with the irrate neighbor. There is plenty of room for us all. Yet we have to remember we have a responsibility to touch each soul in a way with which we can be content… even if it might last for eternity.

Perception

“He take all my money!” she explains. “He fucking my friend. He tell me to go away. He no want me any more. Two years together, now, no good.” She is heartbroken, I can see that. She is frightened – she does not want to go back to being a working girl. I try to help her. I tell her to be patient. I tell her to find people who can help her stay out of the business. Around us, people only see a falang trying to pick up a whore. Perception is everything in this world.

Far away… “I can just head back to XYZ Company.” He is confident in his delusion. “Yeah, no one can operate as many things as me.” the lies, the self-aggrandizement is endless. He has not worked in months. Not even the most desperate of employers would touch him in this state. But he thinks they are all just waiting for his call. Perception is everything in this world.

I’m going to make this happen. I try to convince myself that my plans are not all that far fetched. I take a persistent approach. I fail. I try again. I get drunk and hung-over and recover. I tell myself again and again, the only failure is the failure to try. I am trying. Perception is everything in this world.